
C0«='YRIGMT.I889. BY HAROLD ROORBACH 



3&00l'baci)'S full I>PSmj)tl\)e Catalogue of Dramas, Comedies, Comediettas, Farces, 
Tableaux-vivants, Guide-books, Novel Entertainments for Churchy School and Parlor 
exhibitions, etc., containing complete and explicit information, will be sent to any addrett 
^n receipt of a stamp for return postage. Address as above. 



ROORBACH'S AMERICAN EDITION. 



PRICE, 15 CENTS EACH. 

This series embraces ^le best of plays, suited to the present time. The reprints have 
been rigidly compared with the original acting copies, so that absolute purity of 
text and stage business is warranted. Each play is furnished with an introductioii 
of the-createst vaVye to the stage manager, containing the argument or synopsis of 
incidentVv^complete lists of properties and costumes, diagrams of the stage settings 
and practicable scene-plots, with the fullest stage directions. They are hand- 
somely printed from new electrotype plates, in readable type, on fine paper. 
'Jheir complete introductions, textual accuracy, and mechanical excellence render 
these books far superior in every respect to all editions of acting plays hitherto 
published^ 

1. ALL THAT GLITTERS IS NOT GOLD. A comic drama in two acts. Six 

male, three female characters. Time, two hours. 

2. A SCRAR>0F paper, a comic drama in three acts. Six male, six female 

characters. Time, two hours. 

3. MY LORD IN LIVERY. A farce in one act. Five male, three female charac- 

ters. Time, f\fty minutes. 
^. CABMAN No. 93. A farce in one act. Two male, two female characters. 
Time, lorly minutes. 

5. MILKY WHITE. A domestic drama in two acts. Four male, two female char- 

acters, lime, one hour and three quarters. 

6. PARTJ^ERS FOR LIFE. A comedy in three acts. Seven male, four female 

characters^ Time, two hours. 

7. "WOODCOCK'S LITTLE GAME, A comedy-farce in two acts. Four male, 

four female characters. Time, one hour. 

8. HOW TO TAME YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW. A farce in one act. Four 

male, two female characters. Time, thirty-five minutes. 

9. LADY AiMlEY'S SECRET. A drama in two acts. Four male, three female 

characters. Time, one hour and a quarter. 

10. NOT SO BAD AFTER ALL. A comedy in three acts. Six male, five female 
characters. Time, one hour and forty minutes. 

Ji. "WHICH IS "^A'HICH ? A comedietta in one act. Three male, three female 
characters. Time, fifty minutes. 

12. ICI ON PARLE FRAN^AIS. A farce in one act. Three male, four female 
characters. Time, forty-five minutes. 

13. DAISY FARM. A drama in four acts. Ten male, fcur female character.. 
Time, two hears and twenty minutes. 

14. MARRIED LIFE. A comedy in three acts. Five male, five female characters. 
Time, two hours. 

15. A PRETTY PIECE OF BUSINESS. A comedietta in one act. Two male, 
three female characters. Time, fiftj^ minutes. 

i5. LEND ME FIVE SHILLINGS. A farce in one act. Five male, two female 
characters. Time, one hour. 

17. U.MCLE TOM'S CABIN.— Original Version. A drama in six acts. Fifteen 
male, seven female characters. Time, three hours. 

18. UNCLE TOM'S CABIN.— New Version. A drama in five acts. Seven 
rna'.e, five female characters. Time, two hours and a quarter. 

19. LONDON ASSURANCE. A comedy in five acts. Ten male, three female 
caaracters. Time, two hours and three quarters. 

20 ATCHI ! A comedietta in one act. Three male, two female characters. Time, 
forty minutes. 

21- WHO IS WHO .' A farce in one act. Three male, two female characters. 
Time, forty minutes. 

22. THE WOVEN WEB. A drama in four acts. Seven male, three female char- 
acters. Time, two hours and twentj' minutes. 

%M^Any of the nhoir vtll be sent l-y vun'l, />ost-/'aid, to anv address, on reccift 
of the price. 

HAROLD R00R3ACH, Publisher, 9 Murray St., New York. 



ICI ON 
PARLE FRANCAIS 



OR 



THE MAJOR'S MISTAKE 

A FARCEIN ONE ACT 



BY 



THOMAS J. WILLIAMS 



New American Edition, Correctly Reprinted from the Ori- 
ginal Authorized Acting Edition, with the Original 
Casts of the Characters, Synopsis of Incidents, 
Time of Representation, Description of the 
Costumes, Scene and Property Plots, Dia- 
gram OF THE Stage Setting, Sides of 
Entrance and Exit, Relative Posi- 
tions OF THE Performers, Expla- 
nation OF THE Stage Direc- 
tions, ETC., AND ALL OF 
THE Stage Business. 

Copyright, 1889, by Harold Roorbach. 





NEW YORK 

HAROLD ROORBACH 

PUBLISHER 



\ 



'\ 







ICl ON PARLE FRANCAIS 



CAST OF CHARACTERS. 



Royal Adelphi Theatre, 
London, 
May gth, iS^g. 



Wa Hack's Theatre, 

New York, 

Oct. ibth, i86s. 



Major Regulus Rattan 



Mr. Charles Selby. Mr. Norton. 



Victor Dubois Mr. Billington. Mr. Young, 

Mr. Spriggins Mr, J, L, Toole. Mr. Holston. 

Mrs. Spriggins Miss Arden. Mrs. John Sefton. 

Angelina, their daughter . . Miss Laidlaw. Miss Green. 

1\}'L\h,'wife of Major Rattan . . Mrs. Billington. Miss Mary Barrett. 

Anna Maria, Maid-of-all-work Miss Kate Kelly. Miss lone Burke. 

TIME OF PERFORMANCE— FORTY-FIVE MINUTES. 



SYNOPSIS OF INCIDENTS. 

Mr. Spriggins, residing at Dipwell-by-the-Sea, with an eye to the main 
chance, determines to let lodgings during the bathing season. In the hope 
of catching lodgers among foreigners of distinction, he prepares himself for 
emergencies by studying "French Before Breakfast," with the aid of 
which he expects to speak with Parisian purity in rather less than no time, 
and places in his parlor window a placard bearing the legend " Lodg- 
ings to Let — Ici on parle Frangais," While astonishing his family and 
housemaid with his linguistic progress, two applicants are announced — Mrs. 
Rattan and Victor Dubois — who seek an apartment for the lady until the 
return of her husband from whom she has been unexpectedly separated at 
the railway station. Mk. Spriggins, however, supposes the applicants to be 
man and wife. Victor, having met Mrs. Rattan in the train and 
politely escorted her until she should secure temporary lodgings, is about 
to take his leave, with the intention of walking through the town in hopes 
of meeting a certain young lady whom he had met and admired three 
months before in Paris, but of whom he knows only that she lives in Dip- 



ICI ON PARLE FRANCAIS. 3 

well and that her name is Angelina. At the point of his departure, 
Angelina enters, a recognition ensues, and Victor engages an apartment 
for himself, on the spot, without, however, disclosing to Spriggins his 
acquaintance with the latter's daughter. The family income now being 
increased by seven guineas per week, Anna Maria, the maid-of-all-work, 
strikes for more wages, and, on being refused, resigns her place, leaving 
the Sprigginses to do their own cooking and clean their lodgers' boots. 
While Mr. and Mrs. Spriggins are attending to their guests' wants as 
best they can, Major Regulus Rattan, of the Cape Coast Slashers, who 
looks his profession, bounds in abruptly, thumps the furniture about, cross- 
examines Spriggins as to who his lodgers are, discloses the loss of his wife 
whom he suspects to have eloped with an infernal foreign looking fellow 
they met on the train, and promises to reduce both to atoms when he 
crosses their path. Having been informed that two persons answering 
their description had been seen to enter a house in this street, he com- 
mands Mr. Spriggins, in tones of thunder, to produce his lodgers, espe- 
cially his female lodger. Mrs. Spriggins now enters, and is passed off 
upon the irate Major by the thoroughly alarmed Spriggins as the 
female lodger in question. The Major's suspicions being now allayed, 
he retires, leaving Mr. and Mrs. Spriggins conscious that " Ici on parle 
Frangais " has plunged them into a serious embarrassment. While Mrs. 
Rattan has followed the Major to his hotel, to explain matters, the latter 
returns in a fury, having discovered the deceit imposed upon him by Mr. 
Spriggins, his discovery being apparently confirmed by meeting Victor 
who has entered meanwhile, and is immediately challenged by the infur- 
iated Major. But just as the combat is about to begin, to the accompani- 
ment of Mr. Spriggins' yells of " Fire ! " and " Police ! " the Major, cast- 
ing his eye out of the window, perceives his wife approach the house ; and 
with the intent of unearthing the truth at last, he conceals himself behind 
the window curtains, just as his wife returns. The ensuing conversation 
enlightens the Major as to the state of affairs, at which he bounces out 
from his place of concealment, admits having made an ass of himself, and 
commands Spriggins to produce his daughter whom he bestows off hand 
upon Victor, with his blessing. Anna Maria now comes in to receive 
her back wages, but eagerly resumes her place on learning that Mr. 
Spriggins, having got comfortably out of the scrape caused by his " Ici on 
parle Frangais," will give up all idea of French either before or after 
breakfast, and that, henceforth, his only method of letting lodgings will be 
to let lodgings alone. 

COSTUMES. 

Major. — ^Undress military coat, buttoned up to the chin — a profusion of 
mustache and whiskers, 

Spriggixs. — Blue tail coat, light trowsers, and colored waistcoat. 

Dubois. — Fancy travelling suit, mustache and imperial, narrow-brimmed 
Derby hat. 

Mrs. Spriggins and Angelina. — Neat morning dresses. 

Mrs. Rattan. — Travelling dress — bonnet, cloak, etc. 

Anna Maria. — Housemaid's working dress — cap and apron — bonnet 
and shawl. 



ICI ON PARLE FRANCAIS. 
STAGE SETTING. 







Jfthft 


or Bnciing 






I 

DOOK 

T 


5o/c 






SlaTid 


i 

Windour 
1 


J?oor 


0/ 






Taile and 
CAaira 


Door 



Scene. — Plain chamber in 30., backed with interior backing in 4 G. 
Door C. in flat. Doors r. i E., R. 3 E. and l. i. e. Window, with cur- 
tains, L. 3 E. Sofa up R. Stand up L. Table and two chairs L. C. Arm 
chair R. c. Chairs r. and L. Carpet down. 

PROPERTIES. 

Furniture as per scene plot. Curtains at window. Glass vase, holding 
flowers in water, on table L. c. Pictures on walls. Bells off stage, c, 
L. I E. and R. 3 E. Flowers in pots. Bell-pull. Bonnet, with cherry- 
colored ribbons, off r. 3 e. Ladder, book, and coffee pot, cup and saucer 
on tray, for Spriggins. Work-basket and sewing for Angelina. Feather 
duster, boot and blacking brush for Anna Maria. Pair of lady's shoes. 
Boots, and purse containing money, for Victor. Two pistols in Rattan's 
coat pocket. 

STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

Observing, the player is supposed to face the audience. R., means right ; 
L., left; C, centre; R. c, right of centre; L. C, left of centre; i e., first 
entrance; 2 e., second entrance ; u. E., upper entrance; I, 2 or 3 g., first, 
second or third grooves. D. p., door in the flat or scene running across 
the back of the stage. Up Stage, toward the back ; Down Stage, 
toward the footlights. 

R. R. C. C. L. C. L. 

Note. — The text of this play is correctly reprinted from the original 
authorized acting edition, without change. The introductory matter has 
been carefully prepared by an expert, and is the only part of this book pro- 
tected by copyright. 




ICl ON PARLE FRANCAIS 



Scene. — A Parlor, in total disorder. Door at back — two doors, R., 
and one L. — a window, with ample curtains — table, chairs, &»c. 
— on a table, L. , there stands a glass vase, containing water, and 
in which flowers are standing — on the wall, various pictures are 
suspended. 

At the rising of the curtain Angelina is discovered, sewing rings 
on some curtains — Anna Maria is engaged in dusting chairs 
violently. 

Anna, [dusting) There — and there — and there ! Oh, if ever I 
have a servant, won't I serve her out for this ! 

Sprig, [outside doorYi., calling) Anna Maria ! 

Anna. Yes, sir! * 

Sprig-, [without) Bring me those window curtains — I'll put 
them up myself. 

Angel. Why, pa, I haven't half finished sewing the rings on! 

Mrs. Sprig, [outside, L., calling) Anna Maria! 

Anna, [dusting) Yes, ma'am. 

Mrs. Sprig, [without) Come and help me nail down the stair 
carpets. 

Anna, [aside) What a bother it is, to be sure — I shall never get 
this tiresome dusting done ! 

Sprig, (r.) Anna Maria! 

Mrs. Sprig, (l.) Anna Maria ! 

Anna, [bawling) Now, then, which is it to be? You don't expect 
me to go two ways at once, surely ! 

Angel, Oh dear — oh dear! This scheme of pa's will wear us all 
out. How sorry I am that he ever took it into his head to let lodg- 
ings. 

Enter MRS. SPRIGGINS, L. 

Mrs. Sprig. Well, thank goodness the bedrooms are read)'. 



6 I CI ON PARLE FRANC A IS. 

Why, Anna Maria, what have you been about ? I declare, the par- 
lor is not finished yet ! 

Anna. Please mum, I arn't got fifty pair o' hands. I really must 
have a boy from the work' us to help me ! 

Mrs. Sprig, {languidly) For my part, I declare I'm ready to 
faint! 

Anna. Faint ! I've been faintin' ever since five this mornin* ! 

Enter Mr. Spriggins, door R. 3 E. with a double ladder over his 

shoulder. 

Sprig. Now then, will these curtains be ready to-day, or am I 
to expect them sometime next week? 

Angel. Pa, I declare I can't work any faster. 

Mrs. Sprig, {in a dignified tone) Remember, Mr. Spriggins, 
your daughter is not a hired needlewoman. 

Sprig, [mildly) Very true, my dear ! That being the case I'll 
just fill up the time by dusting the pictures a bit. 

[seizes duster, mounts ladder, and dusts picture) 

Anna, [wiping her face with apron) 1 declare I can't stand it no 
longer! [throws herself back into an arm chair, R.) I s'pose I've a 
right to breathe as well as other people. 

Mrs. Sprig. Anna Maria ! You lazy, dawdling creature, go and 
take the rest of our things to the top of the house. 

Anna, [aside) There she goes again ! A pretty notion! They're 
all going to live up in the garret — ^just to make every farthing 
they can by letting the rest o' the house ! Mean-spirited, covetous 
creatures I 

Mrs. Sprig. Well, I must say, Mr. Spriggins, it's excessively 
disagreeable, for a lady like myself, remotely connected with the 
noble family of the Fitz-Pentonvilles, to leave my comfortable 
apartments, and Hve up in a wretched attic ! 

Angel. And to be condemned to dress in a dark little closet, no 
bigger than a cupboard. 

Anna, [at door) And to have to sleep in a willanous back-kitchen 
— all among the nasty rats and black beetles. It's a shame, it is! 

(Exit C, door to L.) 

Mrs. Sprig, [to ANGELINA) And all to gratify your papa's 
absurd propensity for speculation. 

Sprig, [coming down ladder) Speculation, Mrs. Spriggins — and a 
very promising speculation it is, too! Here's the bathing season 
coming on — a tremendous influx of visitors arriving — no end of 
distinguished foreigners expected! Why, bless your heart, lodg- 
ings will be at a premium ! — so I'm determined to make hay while 
the sun shines — and sub-let every square inch of deal board we 
can possibly dispense with ! I'll wager we shall reap a golden 
harvest. And I tell you what, Mrs. Spriggins, to compensate for 



ICI ON PARLE FRANCAIS. 7 

any little inconvenience you may have to put up with, I intend to 
take you and Angelina up to town, and treat you to the — {^hesitat- 
ing) a — a — to the British Museum and National Gallery. 

Angel, {pensively') I'd much sooner you'd take us to Paris, Pa. 
{sighing) Heigh ho. 

Mrs. Sprig. There she is again with her Paris ! Ever since we 
allowed her to spend a month with her aunt in Paris, she has 
thought of nothing else. 

Angel, {somewhat confused) The curtains are quite ready now, 
pa. {lays them on sofa. 

Sprig. That's right, my dear, — now arrange the flower pots so 
as to impart an air of botanical elegance to the apartment. (Ange- 
lina arranges flower pots, &*c) By the by, my dear, {to his wife, 
producing book from his pocket) now that we've a moment to spare, 
you may as well hear me my French lesson. 

Angel. French, indeed ! the idea of a man at your time of life 
beginning to learn French ! 

Sprig. How very blind some females are to be sure — don't you 
perceive, Mrs. Spriggins, that I'm laying myself out tocatchlodg- 
ers among foreigners of distinction, people who hardly know the 
difference between a franc and a sovereign, and who, therefore, 
will agree to pay whatever I think proper to ask them ? Are you 
not aware, madam, that I've got " Lodgings To Let," " Ici on 
Parle Francais," in large type, stuck in my parlor window? I 
am, therefore, preparing myself for emergencies, by studying that 
politest of languages, on a remarkably expeditious system, entitled, 
" French before Breakfast," a system which renders the aid of a 
master totally superfluous, and enables the student to speak with 
Parisian purity, in rather less than no time. You'd be astonished 
at the progress I have made already ! ( With an atrociously bad 
pronunciation) " Bongjore jnounseer; commong voiiz po?'tez vouz, 
a-a-donnez moi du pain passez moi la tnoutarde." {exultitigly) By 
Jove ! they'll be enraptured on hearing their native tongue spoken 
with such extraordinary fluency, and I shall double their rent in 
consequence, {bell rings at c.) Bless my soul, there's a ring! I 
dare say it's somebody to look at the apartments. Dear, dear ! 
here's a confusion! — quick, quick! put these chairs in order. 
{great bustle and running about) Angelina, make your escape 
with this work-basket — run ! (Exit Angelina, r. i e., with basket) 

Enter Anna Maria showing in Victor and Mrs. Major Rattan, 
c. from L. 

Anna, {sulkily) Please, sir, it's sum 'un too look at the lodg- 
ings ! (Exit Anna Maria, c. to l.) 

Sprig, {aside) Hat and pantaloons evidently foreign, {rubbing 
his hands) My " Ici on Parle Frangais" has evidently done the 



8 ICI ON PARLE FRANCAIS. 

business. Now for a little " French before breakfast." [after a 
great dial of bowins^ and scraping) Ahem ! Monsieur and Madame, 
vennez pore*-aparte-mong ! \aside to his wife) You know one feels 
a little awkward just at first. 

Victor. Quels appartenients avez vans a louer monsieur ? 

Sprig, [titter ly dumbfounded) Eh ? 

Mrs. Sprig, [aside to het husband) Go on! Why don't you 
answer ? 

Sprig. You were pleased to observe ? 

Victor. Quels appartenients avez vous a louer ? 

Sprig. Dear me ! how very extraordinary, I don't remember 
meeting with anything of the sort in " French before Breakfast." 

[turns over leaves of his book) 

Mrs. Sprig, [aside to SPRIGGINS) Why don't you say something ? 

Sprig, [coif used) A — a — he pronounces so very indistinctly that 
a — a — I have some slight difficulty in making out what he says. 

Julia, [to Victor) This person evidently doesn't understand 
French. 

Victor. (/^ Spriggins) You no comprehend? 

Sprig, (hastily) A — a — oui, oui, oui ! 

Victor. I to make observation — de little — announce in de vindow 
•• Ici on Parle Fran^ais." 

Sprig. French spoken here ? Oh, yes ! oui, oui, oui ! Ici on 
parle Frangais — to be sure. 

Victor. I tink it be von leetle hombogs, to attrape de stranger 
lodger. You no speak French at all, you stupid man. 

Sprig, [astoimded—to his ivife) What's he say? 

Mrs. Sprig. He says you're a stupid man, and he isn't far out 
either ! 

Sprig, [to Victor) You see I — I'm just a little out of pracdce. 

Victor. A leetle, parbleu ! Yes, von vere large big leetle, you old 
hombogs. 

Sprig, [aside) Stop a bit, my fine fellow, I'll make you pay for 
your old hombogs, before I've done with you. 

Julia. I should require a sitting room and bed room. 

Sprig. The very thing, these two rooms on the iight-[obseguiously) 
— we shall be delighted to accommodate you. We charge — a — a 
— four guineas a week, including attendance of the most zealous 
and devoted description, and — a — a — the view of the sea — a — a — 
la — la — ocean — comprenny ? 

Julia. Dear me, that's rather expensive. 

Sprig, Oh, dear, no ! Apartments always fetch more when, hke 
ours, they are situated exactly opposite the bathing machines. 

Victor, [aside) De old hombogs, charge extra for de perspectif. 

Julia, [to Mrs. Spriggins) Well then, if you will have my lug- 
gage brought up, I will take the apartment at once. 

[seats herself in a chair which Victor has handed her) 



I CI ON PARLE FRANC A IS. g 

Mrs. Sprig. [wzfA great stateliness) I will give my servant the 
necessary instructions. (Exit, c. to L.) 

Sprig. I'll run and draw up a little memorandum, [aside) Four 
guineas ! What a fool I was not to ask more — I'm sure I might 
have had five — mounseer — au — au — reservoir. (Exit, R. I E. ) 

Julia. (/(^ Victor) And now, monsieur, permit me to return you 
my heartfelt thanks for the trouble you have taken in my behalf, 
during the short time we have been acquainted. 

Victor. De plasir to serve von so charmante lady is its own rec- 
ompense. 

Julia. How provoking that I should have been so unexpectedly 
separated from my husband at the refreshment station — how vexed 
he will be. 

Victor. Yes, de poor man, I see him to run — to run — to run 
after de train, but he not can to run so fast as de locomotif. 

Julia. What should I have done in this strange town without 
your polite assistance ? I shall now just make a slight alteration in 
my dress and go and wait at the station, until the next train arri- 
ves ; my husband will be sure to come down by it. {crossesX.0 R.) 

Victor, [bowing with great politeness) Then, madame, I have de 
honour to vish you von vere fine how do you do. [going) I go to 
walk all over de town in de hope to rencontre von charmante de- 
moiselle, [sighing) H^las ! she lives in dis town, and I not know 
vere. But I have intention to walk up and down all de principale 
street, and to knock — knock at all de door, until I retrouve mon 
Angelina, de objet de mon adoration, 

Julia, [laughingly) So then you are in love, monsieur. 

Victor, [ecstatically) In love, h^las! I am in love all over de 
head, all over de ears, with a beautiful young Enghsh demoiselle. 
I make connaissance with herin Paris at von leetle soiree dansante, 
three months ago, and ever since, her lovely image, it stick in my 
brain. H^las ! she tell me that she live in Dipwell, and dat her 
name is Angelina — and so as I have had affair in London, I take 
de occasion as soon as he was arrangd to come down here and to 
cherche for mon Angehna. [bowing and preparhig to withdraw) 
Adieu, madame. 

Julia, [laughing) Farewell, monsieur! I can only wish you every 
possible success in your search. (Exit, into room, R. 3 e. ) 

Victor, [alone) Charmante petite femme, parole d'honneur, but 
no comparison with mon Angelina, de objet de tnon afuourf — but I 
must to cut my stick. [goes up, c) 

Enter SPRIGGINS, R. I E. 

Sprig. Beg pardon, mounseer, but there's one little matter I 
quite forgot to mention — a — a — I always make it a rule to receive 
the first week's rent in advance — comprenny ? 



lO ICI ON PARLE FRANCAIS. 

Victor, {calmly) Verefore you say dat to me ? 

Sprig. Ah, I see ! Your wife takes care of the purse — he, he, he ! 

{^laughitig) 

Victor, {gravely) Vife sare, I have not sie honor to be dat lady's 
husband — I am her — her — vot you call — 

Sprig. ( puzzled) Her, what you call ! 

Victor. Her — her — parbleu — her cotmatssance I 

Sprig, [aside) What the devil's that I wonder? I don't remem- 
ber meeting with the expression in " French before Breakfast ;" 
[turns over leaves of book) however I suppose it's all right — I shall 
speak to the lady by and bye. 

Victor, [going) It is von curious old hombogs ! 

Enter Angelina, r. i e. — Victor and Angelina mutually sur- 
prised at unexpectedly meeting each other, utter a simultaneous 
exclamation "Oh," 

Victor, [starting) Ciel! 

Angel, [starting) Monsieur Victor! 

Sprig. What's the matter ? 

Angel, [endeavoriitg to conceal her emotion) Nothing, pa, nothing 
— I — I merely came to — to look for my thimble, [aside) Monsieur 
Victor here ! 

Victor, [aside) Mon Angelina ! can I for to believe my sen- 
tences, [approaching her) My dear mees — 

Sprig, [not noticing their mutual surprise, and stepping in between 
them) Now, Angelina, lose no time — our preparations up stairs are 
not half completed. 

Angel. Yes, pa. [aside, looking at Victor) I wonder, now, 
whether Monsieur Victor has come here on my account ? [signifi- 
cantly) I shall be down again, presently. (Exit, r. i E.) 

Victor, [aside) He'las ! she is varnish ! And so dis old hombogs 
is de fader of mo?i Angelina — ah ! von brilliante inspiration it to 
strike my noddle, [aloud) Sare, I have make reflection in the 
interieur of myself, have you one oder apartment to let ? 

Sprig. Oui, monsieur, the httle room on the left, [crosses, L.) 
Three guineas a week. 

Victor, [gaily) I take him dis vere moment. Ah, you vish money 
in advance! de tout mon coeur. I pay you von week tout-de- 
suite, [producing purse) 

Sprig, [aside) Tout-de-suite ! confound it — he agrees to the three 
guineas at once — what a fool I was not to ask four, [takes money 
— aloud) You shall have a receipt directly. 

Victor. Not necessaire — you are de fader of she — dat enough 
for me. 

Sprig, [puzzled) Fader-of-she ! 

Victor. Yes, oh, yes — I leave you pour le moment, [embracing 
him tenderly) Adieu, fader of she — Adieu ! (Exit into room, l.) 



ICI ON PARLE FRANCAIS. II 

Sprie. ii^uzzled) Fader-of-she ! can I have met with that expres- 
sion in ''French before Breakfast?" [^iurns over pages of hn book 
astZi^h looking for the expression) I can't find it among the P s 

but if me sef now, four and three make seven-seven gumeas 
7week ' a very nice httle addition to one's weekly income. My 
.' Ici on Parle Frangais" certainly was a first-rate notion. 

Enter Mrs. Spriggins. c. from i.., followed by Anna Maria, who 
is brushing a boot. 

Mrs Sprig. Don't be impertinent, miss. What do you think 
MnSpSs. here's Anna Maria insisting upon having her wages 

"s^rig. [horrified) Wages, indeed! What -precedented^^^^^ 

""TnT\sulkily) It 'ud take six maids o' all work to do the work 

°' SprL^°St'uff and nonsense ! a baby in arms might undertake the 
plac'Lf (^.// rings) There. Anna Maria, run 1 there s our new 

^'H! X^oing) Another person to wait on ! I declare if it arnt 
worse nor a regular treadmill ! ^J^Tn^' s^cheme 

Sprig. Well, Mrs. Spriggins. what do you say to my scheme 
now " I've let the little bed room for three guineas a week to the 
young Frenchman. I was a fool, was I— eh? 
^ Mrl Sprig, {insinuatingly) You'll make me a present of a new 



silk dress 



rig. (insinuatingly) 
won t you, ducky ? 



IK Qiebb, wuu t yuu, ^^uv-n.;. . t i n ^« 

Sprig, [with dignify) I shall see, Mrs. S.-I shall see. 

Re-enter Anna Maria, door^. 3 e.. with a pair of ladies boots. 

Anna, [speaking off) Yes. mum-you shall have 'em directly, 
mum. [shuts door) Here's a treat! more bo^ts to black, and now 
the lady wants a basin o' gravy soup; perhaps you expect me to 
get that ready, too! 

Mrs. Sprig. Of course we do. Miss Impudence. 

'^ [nng heard, L. ) 

Sprig. Oh, there goes the Frenchman's bell— run, Anna Maria, 
and see what he wants. . l jr ixr i 

Victor, [partly opening his door, L., and passing a pair of Wel- 
lington boots through) ViU you have the obligeance to put de pol- 
ishment upon my Duke de Welhngtons ? ^ 

Anna, [sulkily taking boots) What, another on em? 

Victor. (^5 before) And bring von leetle tasse de cafe, and von 
beeftake aux pommes-de-terres ! ^ , , ,^ ^^i.?„.^li 

Anna, [sarcastically) Oho, a beefsteak o pongdetaie. eh? ^^ell 
I'm sure [folding her arms, and holding a pair of boots in each hand 
-crosses to C.) And do you think I'm going to hexhaust myself in 



I;2f ICI ON PARLE FRANCAIS. 

this here manner for a paltry eight pound a year, and find my 
own tea and sugar? 

Mrs. Sprig, [scornfully) Impertinent menial, of course we do! 

Anna. Then I solemnly vows, I won't do another individual 
thing unless you raise my wages ! 

Sprig. Unparalleled audacity ! but come now, I'll see what I can 
do for you. I don't mind giving you an extra ten shiUings, 

Anna, {eagerly) A week ! 

Sprig. No, a year. 

Anna, [coniejnptuously) Not a bit of it! catch me knocking 
myself up for a parcel of miserly wretches, as go and sleep up in 
a top garret just to make money by letting their own bedrooms, 
and slaving the very life out of a poor, unfortunate maid o* all 
work ! Why, Uncle Tom's Cabin was a fool to it. 

Mrs. Sprig. Insolent minx ! not another word. 

Anna, {placing her arms a-kimbo) Will you double my wages ? 

&prig. } (^"^l'"S) N°' 

Anna. Then liberty for ever! I resigns my place — here take 
your boots, and pohsh 'em yourselves, [layiitg one of the boots on 
Spriggins' arm, and the other on his wife s) Here's your apron 
and your brush ! [taking off apron, and giving it and the brush to 
Mrs. Spriggins.) Take you property, and now go and get your 
lodger's lunch ready — the gravy soup and the coffee, and the 
beefsteak o' pongdetare — ha, ha, ha ! what fun it will be to see 
missus a-doing the cooking, and master a-brushing the boots — ha, 
ha, ha ! (Exit, C. to l. ) 

(Mr. and Mrs. Spriggins remain with the boots, 
brush, apron, &^c., in their arms, contemplat- 
ing each other in 7nute stupefaction. ) 

Sprig. Well, now, we are in a precious fix ! I never thought the 
hussey really meant it. What the deuce are we to do ? however, 
as far as our immediate requirements are concerned, I suppose 
there's no great mystery in broiling a beefsteak and making a cup 
of coffee ? 

Mrs. Sprig, [indignantly) What, sir, do you suppose that I, a 
distant descendant of the Fitz-Pentonvilles, will disgrace myself 
by meddUng with frying-pans and gridirons? Never! 

Sprig, [subjnissively) Well, my dear, then I'll attend to the 
culinary department — perhaps you wouldn't object just to take 
the dust off the lady's boots — somebody must do it, you know, we 
have let the apartments, " attendance included." 

Mrs. Sprig, [angrily snatching boots a jid brush from her husband) 
Mr, Spriggins, I'll never forgive you for subjecting a lady of my 
aristocratic descent to such shocking humilation ! [begins to brush 



ICI ON PARLE FRANC AIS. 13 

P' jX:°( S M';boots, if you please ; and send the servant 
'° Mr" Sprif There ! she wants somebody to lace her stays ! per- 

""Mrf'sprig. (m a tremendous fluster) M-'-.^Priggif • ^ ^""^^"J 
on^he P^sLt^ccasjon to^cnfice ^^^^'^^^.^t^^^ 

'°t;y/^Ti) Halloa: « the. ^^^ 
Frenchman wants his stays lacea. no, iu 

Enter Victor, A»« ^« '"<'<"«. ^- ^' '^^ 5«,« .«<7«««/, Angelina 
appears door, B. i E. 

^moiir^ \\. vj diS riot \- on apparition ! i, ^ i 

he condock me to your side ! forgotten me long ago. 

Angel, (coquelltshly) I 'h°"f*'t ^^ JV^ u,u.f,uii\ Forget you ! 
Victor. {Ml retainmg htshM o^^beUP^^^^^^^ ^ >^,^„ 



14 I CI ON PARLE FRANCA IS. 

grasps the bell-piill, not perceivmg that by so doing he is also ringing 
the bell) 

Angel. Take care, Monsieur Victor, you're ringing the bell. 
Ah, here's somebody coming. (Angelina disappears, R. i E.,a7id 
Victor, l. ; they slam their doors violently, at the same momenf) 

Re-enter Spriggins, C. frotn L. 

Sprig, [perceiving the two doors shut simultaneously) Bless my 
soul ! What a devil of a draught there is here. 

Enter MAJOR Regulus Rattan, c. from l. — he wears an undress 
military coat buttoned up to the chin, an enormous pair of mus- 
taches, and speaks haughtily and gruffly. 

Major, [angrily) What do you mean, sir, by opening your street 
door and leaving me standing on the step ? 

Sprig, [coolly continuing to black boots) Very sorry, sir, but I heard 
a ring in this direction. 

Major, [abruptly) Are you the shoeblack of this estabhshment? 

Sprig, [indignantly) Shoeblack ! 

Major. Servant, then — lackey, if you prefer the epithet. 

Sprig, [with offended dignity) Not by ^?;/y means, sir — not hy any 
means ! I'm merely performing the — a — a — the operation in which 
you see me engaged, out of a — a — politeness to my lodgers. 
[knocks at Victor's door, l., and puts down boots, which Victor 
puts out one arm to take) Mounseer ! la boots ! (Spriggins then 
returns to Major, and majestically throwing off his apron, exclaims) 
No, sir, I am the proprietor of this establishment. 

Major. Then it's you who let these lodgings ? 

Sprig. Yes, but I'm as full as I care to be, under existing cir- 
cumstances. 

Major, [angrily) Then what the devil do you mean by keeping 
your bill up?" Do you think people climb your infernally dark stair- 
case for the mere pleasure of contemplating that unmeaning phys- 
iognomy of yours? [abruptly) Who are your lodgers? 

Sprig, [surprised) A lady and gentleman. 

Major, [hastily) A lady and gentleman ? What sort of a lady 
and gentleman? 

Sprig, [with great dignity) Sir, I am a free born British subject, 
and I really don't see that I am in any way compelled to answer 
the question. Besides, you really appear so unnecessarily excited, 
that- 
Major. Excited! I should think I was. I've come all the way 
from the last refreshment station on an engine — an engine, sir, that 
I engaged at my own individual expense. By Jove, my eyes are 
full of coal dust now. Give me some water. 

Sprig, [surprised) Water ! 



ICI ON PARLE FRANC AIS. I 5 

Major. Yes, to rinse the cinders out of my eyes ! 
Sprig. Confound it ! the fellow's going to refit here ! 
Major, {perceiving a glass water-Jug on table, filled with fiowers) 
Aha, this will do ! 

[Takes out fiowers — coolly throws them away — pours 
water into the palm of his hand, and bathes his eyes) 

Sprig, [alarmed) Mind what you're about! You're spilling the 
water over my new carpet. 

Major, [coolly) You can have it wiped up ! [takes up the curtains 
that are lying on sofa, and dries his hands in them) 

Sprig, [in agony — roaring) My new curtains ! Do-o-n't! I — I'll 
fetch you a towel. 

Major, [coolly throwing curtains away) Quite unnecessary ! [thump- 
ing down a chair in front ^Spriggins) Sit down. 

Sprig, [somewhat alarmed) Thank you, I'm not at all fatigued. 

Major, [imperatively) Sit down, I say. 

Sprig, [sitting down — aside) I feel half inclined to send for a 
policeman. 

Major, [sitting down) Now then. Are you married or single ? 

Sprig, [abruptly) Married. 

Major. I'm glad of it. You'll be the better able to sympathize 
with me. I, unfortunately, am also married. 

Sprig. Really, sir, your conversation is fascinating in the extreme, 
but- 
Major. Don't interrupt me — I was on the point of informing you 
that I'm a retired Major, late of the Cape Coast Slashers. 

Sprig, [aside) He looks his profession ! 

Major. Having got tired of Zulu Kaffirs and wild beast hunts, I 
sold out, returned to England, and in an unguarded moment, re- 
cently married a lovely young lady — the daughter of a brother 
officer. 

Sprig, [aside) Now what the devil is all this to me ? 

Major. Well, sir, wishing to give my wife a treat, I resolved upon 
spending a month with her at the sea-side ; we started this morning 
per express ; in the same carriage was a young fellow, one of those 
infernal, insinuating, foreign looking dogs ! On reaching the re- 
freshment station, my wife complains of hunger — I rush from the 
train, and purchase three Bath buns ; no sooner had my wife tasted 
one of them than she informs me she's thirsty. 

Sprig. Well, there's nothing so very extraordinary in that ! 

Major. Oh, you think so, do you? Just wait a moment before 
you give your opinion. Well, sir, forgetting that the ten minutes 
had already expired, I returned to the refreshment room, and was 
just compounding for a glass of sherry and water, when— zum ! 
zum ! zum ! off goes the train with my wife and the young French- 
man. 



l6 ICI ON PARLE FRANCAIS. 

Sprig, [starting) The young Frenchman ! 

Major. Yes, sir— the young Frenchman. They hadn'texchang- 
ed a word the whole way — and yet they had connived together to 
deceive me! [^angrily] Don't you perceive, you old idiot, that my 
wife's need of refreshment was a mere pretext to get rid of me ? 

Sprig, [aside— alarmed) A young Frenchman ! It strikes me 
forcibly I've let my lodgings to the identical pair. 

Major, [yiohmtly) But I'll find them, [rises] and when I do I'll 
reduce them to atoms! I'll pulverize them to fine dust— I — I'll 
smash them like — [seizing the porcelain vase which stands on the 
table) 

Sprig, [alarmed, a7td seizing him by the arm) Gently, sir — that's 
real. 

Major. Pshaw ! how frightened you seem about a trumpery piece 
of earthenware ! Well, sir, [resuming his seat) I have just received 
information that persons answering to their description have been 
seen to enter a house on this side, and in this part of the street. I 
— 1 therefore insist upon your producing your lodgers — your female 
lodger especially. 

Sprig. Really, sir, this is most extraordinary conduct ! 

Major, [roaring) Produce your lodger, sir ! I'll not leave the 
house until I have closely inspected your female lodger ! [thumps 
his chair violently against floor, and resumes his seat with a deter- 
mined air) 

Sprig. Confound it all ! don't knock the house down ! 

Major, [roaring) Produce your female lodger I 

Sprig, [aside, trembling) If it should prove to be the lady who 
arrived just now, we're all done for. 

Major, [rising, and upsetting his chair) You refuse to produce 
your female lodger ? 

Enter Mrs. Spriggins, r. 3 e. 

Sprig, [perceiving her) Here's my wife, by Jove ! — a bright idea I 
[coining to R. — aloud) Sir, this is my female lodger. 

Major. What, that individual? 

Mrs. Sprig, [aside, offended) What does the fellow mean by in- 
dividual, I wonder? 

Sprig, [hastily, aside to his wife) Say it's you, or it's all up with 
us I 

Mrs. Sprig, [aside, alanned) What does he mean? 

Major. Are you the female tenant of these apartments? 

Sprig, [tivitching her dress behind) Say yes. 

Mrs. Sprig, [bewildered) Y-e-e-s ! 

Major, [to Spriggins) Then what the devil did you mean by 
talking to me of ?i young couple? [pointing to Mrs. Spriggins.) Is 
this your notion of juvenility ? 



ICI ON PARLE FRANCA IS. IJ 

Mrs. Sprig, [highly incensed) The impolite ruffian ! 

Major. The sight of you, madam, has appeased my suspicions 
as far as this house is concerned, [cones to c) I shall try next 
door, and then return to the White Hart Hotel, [relapsing into fury) 
But as to those two, if ever I catch them, I — I'll — [as he is going, 
he runs against a chair, which he kicks violently to the back of t lie 
stage, and e^x C. to i^. , furiously) 

Mrs. Sprig-, [disdainfully) And now, Mr. Spriggins, perhaps 
you'll inform me who this person is? 

Sprig. Who he is ? Why, it strikes me he's either the Wild Man 
of the Woods or the King of the Cannibal Islands. But there's no 
time to lose ; he'll be back again if we don't look out. [knocking 
hastily at Julia's door, r. 3 e., and calling) Hallo! Mrs. What's- 
your-name ! I must speak with you immediately ! 

Enter Julia, /w;« room, R. 3 e. 

Julia. With me, sir? 

Sprig. Yes, madam — it's really too bad of you to expose a re- 
spectable man like myself, the father of a family, to the chance of 
being devoured alive by a roaring Ojibbeway, like your husband ! 

Julia. My husband ! 

Angelina at this moment appears at door, R. i E. , and assumes a 
listening attitude. 

Sprig. Yes. madam, your husband, from whom it appears you 
have surreptitiously escaped, under cover of three Bath buns and 
a glass of sherry and water. 

Julia. My husband, you say, has been here? Oh, why did you 
not tell me ? 

Sprig. Because I knew better, madam — because he threatened 
to murder you and the young Frenchman, the partner of your 
flight. 

Angel, [aside) What do I hear ? The partner of her flight ! 
How dreadful ! [disappears hastily) 

Julia, [indignantly) Flight, sir ! How dare you insinuate such a 
thing? Good heavens! what a fearful position to be placed in ! 
And should my husband, naturally so jealous, attribute our acci- 
dental separation to premeditated design ! I'll hasten to him, and 
explain all. Where is he staying? 

Sprig. Let me see — he said he had put up at the White Hart 
Hotel, at the corner of the next street. 

Julia, [re-entering room) I'll put on my bonnet, and seek him 
immediately. (Exit, r. 3 e.) 

Mrs. Sprig. Well, Mr. Spriggins, a pretty mess you've brought 
us into by this absurd scheme of yours! This comes of pretending 
you can speak French, and sticking up a palpable falsehood in 
your parlor window ! 



l8 ICI ON PARLE FRANCAIS. 

Sprig:, [distracted) Don't bother me, Mrs. Spriggins! Have you 
forgotten that the Frenchman's waiting for his coffee all this time? 
[entreatingly') Now go and make the kettle boil — do now — there's 
a ducky ! 

Mrs. Sprig, [tragically) Shades of my noble ancestors! behold 
not the degradation of your luckless descendant ! (Exit, c. to l.) 

Re-enter ]\5\AK,from roorn, R. 3 E., with her bonnet and shawl on — 
her bonnet is trimmed with cherry-colored ribbons. 

Julia, [eagerly) The hotel at the corner, you said, sir? 

Sprig. Yes, ma' am, I'll come down to the door and show you 
where it is. [aside] There'll be murder done if that Cape Coast 
Slasher returns and finds her here! [aloud) This way, ma'am — 
this way. (Exeunt, C. to L,) 

The moment they are gone, Angelina rushes in, R. i e., and throws 
herself, in a state of great dejection, into an arm chair. 

Angel. Can I believe my senses ? Monsieur Victor has has run 
away with a married woman ! How frightful ! [produces her 
pocket handkerchief) 

Enter Victor, l. 

Victor. Enfin ! they are all gone ! Ah, de object de mon adora- 
tion ! My dear mees 

Angel, [indignantly) Leave me sir — your conduct is shameful — 
infamous ! 

Victor, [astonished) Misericorde ! vat have I did ? 

Angel. I have overheard all, sir! Can you deny that you came 
here this morning with a lady — a married lady, sir — with whom 
you had run away ? 

Victor. Charmante, mees, ma parole d'honneur — I see her for 
de first time dis morning in de railway, [tragically placijig his hand 
on his heart) On de honneur of von P>enchman, ma'amselle, I 
love but von lady in dis vide vorld, and dat is your charmante 
self. I swear it by dis leetle hand ! [kneeling and kissing her hand. 
As he is doittg so, Spriggins enters at back, C.from L., with coffee 
pot and cup, and on perceiving the tableau before him, utters a shout 
of surprise) 

Sprig. Hallo! What's all this? 

Angel, [tragically) Heavens ! my pa I 

Victor. Ventrebleau ! dat old hombogs again ! 

Sprig, [uttering a cry of pain) Confound the coffee pot! I've 
burnt my fingers! [puts coffee f>ot and tray on table) I say, moun- 
seer, what— a — a — what la devil were you doing at my daughter's 
feet? Explain, sir, what was your motive for assuming that shoe- 
maker s attitude? 



ICI ON PARLE FRANCA IS. 1 9 

Victor, [with much solemnity) Sare, se immortal Shak-es-pare to 
say, " Brevity is se soul of wits." I have the honor to ask de 
hand of your female shild in marriage ! 

Sprig, [astonished) The devil you have ! 

Victor. Yes — she loves me, and 1 love she. 

Sprig. What, in five minutes ? I must put a stop to all this ! I 
insist upon your leaving my apartments instantly ! 

Victor. Sare, I shall do nothing of de kind. I have pay for 
von veek, and parbleu, for von veek I vill remain — so you must 
permission me to drink my cafe in tranquilite. [aside) De old 
hombogs I he tink he to see some green ! 

[Seats himself at table — -pours himself out a cup of coffee, which he 
proceeds to drink with the greatest calmness. He is so situated 
that his face is turned away from the door at back) 

Sprig, [in a tremendous passion) I — I shall go mad with rage ! — 
and to think that I've brought it all upon myself through that 
infernal " Ici on Parle Frangais! " 

Re-enter MAJOR Regulus Rattan, violently, C. fro7n l. 

Major. I knew the rascal was deceiving me ! 

Sprig, [aside) Mercy upon us ! Here's the roaring Ojibbeway 
come back again i 

Victor, [aside) Ma foi ! de husband of de leetle voyageuse. 

Major, [to SPRIGGINS — not perceiving Victor) And so sir, you 
thought you'd make an ass of me, did you ? But allow me to 
inform you that it's not to be done, sir — it's not to be done ! As 
I was re-passing this wretched old house of yours, I happened to 
look up at the bed-room window — and through it, I perceived, 
lying on the dressing-table, an article of costume which confirms 
my suspicions that my wife is at this very moment in your house. 

Victor, [aside) My opinion is, dat sie fellow is tree sheets in sie 
wind mill ! 

Major, [to Spriggins) Sir, I am naturally of a mild disposition ! 
Up to the present, I flatter myself I have been calmness itself! — 
but have a care, sir ! Dare to exasperate my natural placidity by 
further prevarication, and I — I — [in a tremendous fury) — damme, 
I'll pound you to a jelly! [laying hold of him by the collar) My 
wife, sir — hand her over this instant ! 

Sprig, [breaking from him) Let go, sir, you're rumpling my 
front ! 

Major. You won't? Then I'll find her myself, [rushes to door, 
R. 3 E., kicks it open violently — crash, and, exit, R.) 

Sprig, [dismayed) The fellow has broken my lock ! To think 
that wild Indians should be allowed to roam about in this manner ! 
The police are really of no use at all ! 



20 ICI ON PARLE FRANCAIS. 

Re-enter MAJOR, R. 3 E., with a lady s bonnet in his hand. 

Major. It's remarakbly strange ! — I've looked under the bed, and 
in all the cupboards, but no Mrs. Major Rattan. 

Sprig. Haven't I been telling you so for the last quarter of an 
hour ? 

Major, [crushing bonnet in his hand) And yet, this infernal bon- 
net is a proof that she must be concealed somewhere about these 
dingy premises, [punches in the crown of the bonnet) 

Sprig. Why, confound the fellow ! That's my wife's new Sunday 
bonnet ! She forgot to remove it with her other things ! 

Major. Your wife's! Then why the devil do you allow your 
wife to wear cherry colored ribbons, like Mrs. Major Rattan? 
[angrily claps bonnet on Spriggins' head) Once more, I say, where 
is she ? 

Sprig, [violently alarmed) She's a — a — a — [sta7mnering) she's 
go-one out ! 

Major, [in a voice of thunder) Gone out! Then she has been 
here? 

Sprig, [doggedly) Well, then — yes — she has ! She's just gone 
to the White Hart Hotel — a — a — in the hope of finding you 
there. 

Major. Rascally letter of unlettable lodgings 1 you're deceiving 
me again ! Here's another apartment — I dare say she's concealed 
there ! 

[Is about to enter YiCTO'R.'s roojn, l., when Victor rises and places 
himself between the Major a7td the door) 

Victor. Sap-r-r-ris-ti ! You take me for von nincompoop, sare ! 
No von shall valk into my own particular apartment. 

Major, [with a tremendous start) Fire and fury ! that accursed 
young frog-eater! [roaring) Where's my wife, sir? 

Victor, [calmly) Sare, I not know. 

Major. It's false, sir — you bribed the guard to start without me. 

Victor. You tell von lie, sare ! 

Major. Rascal ! hand me over Mrs. Regulus Rattan ! 

Victor, [throwing himself into a burlesque boxing attitude) Sare, 
I vill box your eye ! 

Sprig. [i7i a violent state of alarm) Good gracious! there'll be 
murder done ! Dear gentlemen, if you are determined to cut one 
another's throats, don't doit over my new carpet! 

Major, [to Victor) Sir, you shall give me satisfaction on the 
spot. I never travel without my pistols! [producing pistols from 
his pocket and presenting one to Victor) 

Victor, [in a furious rage) Sare, you are one enrage ros-bif bull 
dog I 

Major. Insolent puppy ! You shall receive my fire across this 



I CI ON PARLE FRANC A IS. 21 

table, in the American style! Old What's-his-name shall be 
second to both of us. (Victor and Major place themselves one 
on each side of the table) 

Sprig, [wringing- his hands) Oh, dear — oh, dear! a duel across 
my best bit of mahogany ! [rushing between them — roaring) Gentle- 
men — gentlemen ! this isn't Chalk Farm ! 

Major. Now then, sir, are you ready ? 

Sprig, [in a paroxysm of fear) Murder! fire! poUce ! 

Major. Keep still, you old jackanapes, or — [suddenly looking in 
the direction of window) Hallo! can I believe my eyes ! [runs 
violently to window and opens it) 

Enter MRS. Spriggins, c.frorn L. 

Mrs. Sprig. Why, what on earth is the meaning of all this 
noise ? 

Major, [looking out of window) Zounds and confusion ! if there 
isn't my wife looking in at a bonnet shop ! By Jupiter, she's com- 
ing here ! [shuts down window violently, and breaks a pane of 
glass) 

Sprig, [despairingly) There goes half a crown's worth. 

Major. Now, then, I shall discover the truth at last. I'll conceal 
myself behind these window curtains, and mark me — if one of 
you, by word or sign, intimate that I am in the room, [with calm 
ferocity) I — I'll blow his brains out. [conceals himself behind cur- 
tain — he occasionally clicks the lock of a pistol as a retninder ) 

Mrs. Sprig, [alarmed) Mercy on us ! what a ferocious monster. 

Sprig, [dolefully) If I'm not laid up after all this, it's a pity ! 
Oh, what a fool I was ever to let lodgings — and what an idiot I 
was to stick up " Ici on Parle Frangais ! " 

Enter JULIA, C. from L. 

Julia. Dear me, how very vexatious ; my husband appears 
merely to have stopped a few minutes at the hotel, and then to 
have gone out no one knows where, [observing their silence and 
constraint) But what's the matter with you all ? What do you all 
mean by staring at one another in this way ? 

Sprig, [confused) I — I — I don't feel exactly the thing. 

Julia. Has anything happened during my absence? [still strict 
silence — to Spriggins) Has my husband been here again ? [no one 
answers) Have either of you seen him, I say ? 

Sprig. No ! 

Mrs. Sprig. No ! 

Victor. No ! 

Julia. So much the better, [to Victor) for if he had found you 
here, monsieur, there's no knowing what might have happened. 

Major, [who repeatedly pops his head from behind curtains — aside) 
So she was anxious on the fellow's account ; fire and fury ! 



22 ICI ON PARLE FRANCAIS. 

Julia. (<r^«/z>mz«^) My poor husband is so dreadfully jealous, 
[1o Mrs. Spkiggins) If he had even seen the friendly shake of 
the hand which your husband gave me just now at the door — 

Sprig, [horribly alarmed) It's no such thing! I_I_I_didn't 
give you a friendly anything ! [aside — writhing) I'm certain the 
monster is taking deliberate aim at me between the shoulders. 

Julia, [appears surprised at Spriggins' manner, but continues) 
I'm sure you monsieur, [addressing Victor) must have noticed 
how fiercely he glared at you in the train, every time you hap- 
pened to look my way. (Victor says nothing but nods his head 
violently) I do believe — ha, ha, ha I I do believe he was jealous 
of you — of you who confess that you are dead in love with the 
young lady you met at a ball in Pans. 

Major, [aside, popping his head from betweeti curtains) A young 
lady — ball — Paris ? 

Julia. [conti7iuing) A young lady to whom you must indeed be 
deeply attached, since you have journeyed to this town for the 
sole purpose of seeking after her. 

Major, [aside) What's that she says? [rushes violently towards 
Victor, and as he does so, drags down curtains) 

Julia, [extremely astonished) My husband ! 

Mrs. Sprig. | ^/„ ^^^;^^) The curtains ! 

Major, [stumbling over curtains) Confound your curtains ! 
[throws them away — to Victor eagerly) Is it really true that you 
are in love with somebody else? 

Victor. Vat you mean, sare ? 

Sprig. To be sure he is — the somebody in question happens to 
be my daughter. 

Major. Your daughter ? why, you never told me you had a 
daughter! Produce her! produce your daughter, sir! 

Enter Angelina, r. i e., during the last words. 

Sprig. Here she comes ! 

Major. Hem! Ah! nice looking girl, not in the least hke her 
father, [to Angelina — impressively) Young woman, is this seduc- 
tive foreigner in love with you ? 

Angel, [glancing archly at Victor) At any rate, he says so ! 

Victor, [rapturously approaching her) And he mean it too — and 
once more, [turning to Spriggins) my dear old gentlemans, I 
pray you to accord to me se hand of your charmante female 
shild ; my father, he vere rich — Dubois et Compagnie, Rue Saint 
Lazare, Paris ! 

Major, [hastily) Dubois and Co., Rue St. Lazare — bless my 
soul — know the firm well — got a house out at the Cape ! [aside) 
By Jove, then I've been making an ass of myself all this time! 



ICI ON PARLE FRANC A IS. 23 

[abruptly) Take her, young man — she's yours ! {handing Ange- 
lina to NiQ.TO^— pathetically) Bless you, my children ! 

Sprig, [hastily) Hallo ! there ! — not quite so fast — as I'm only 
the young lady's father, allow me to have some share in the mat- 
ter! Mrs. S. and I must talk the matter over, and if, upon in- 
quiry, I find Mr. Dubois' description of himself to be correct, I 
see no reason why w^e shouldn't accept him as our son-in-law. 

Victor, [kissing AiiG^'Li'tiA.'s hand) Oh, bonheur ! 

Enter Anna Maria, cfrom l. with bonnet and shawl on. 

Anna, [with great dignity) Please to pay me my wages, and to 
examine my box, for my cousin, the policeman, has called to 
fetch it away. 

Sprig. My good girl, we'll see about all that presently — Mrs. 
Spriggins, you were perfectly right — If ever I speculate again, I'll 
take precious good care it shan't be on my own premises, and, for 
the future, my only method of "letting lodgings," will be to " let 
lodgings alone ! ' ' 

Anna, [eagerly) Let lodgings alone ! then I resumes my place. 
[takes off bonnet and shawl ) 

Sprig. Thankee ! [continuing ) And as for French, my dear, I 
give up all idea of it, whether before or after breakfast, for 
although my pretensions to that language have brought me a son- 
in-law, I am firmly convinced I shall never have it in my power 
conscientiously to say — [tap pifig himself 07t the forehead) 

" Ici ON Parle Francais ! " 

Angel. 
Spriggins. Victor. 

Mrs. Sprig. Julia. 

Anna. Major. 

CURTAIN. 




BY FORCE OF IMPULSE. 

A. Dr^ivi^a. in Kive Acts, by H. V. Vogx. 



Price, 15 Cents. 



Nine male, three female characters, viz.: Leading and Second Juvenile Men, 
Uld Man, Genteel Villain, Walking Gentleman, First and Second Light Comedians, 
Heavy Character, Lov^r Comedian, Leading and Second Juvenile Ladies and Comic 
Old Maid. Time of playing, Two houre and a half. 

SYNOPSIS OF EVENTS. 



Act L Lovb vs. Impui^e. — Doller- 
dutch's office. — A fruitless journey, a 
heap of accumulated business and a 
chapter of unparalleled impudence. — 
News from the front. — A poor girl's 
taouble and a lawyer's big heart. — Hil- 
da's sad story. — " I 'II see this thing 
through if it costs me a fortune I " — A 
sudden departure in search of a clue — 
The meeting of friends. — One of nature's 
noblemen. — Maitland betrays his secret 
by a slip of the tongue. — The ball at 
Beachwood. — Twospooneys.fresh from 
coUege.lose their heads and their hearts. 
—"Squashed, by Jupiter!' — Trusting 
innocence and polished villainy. — The 
interrupted tryst. — An honest man's 
avowal. — A picture of charming simpli- 
city. — Murdell and Hilda meet face to 
iace. — " I dare you to make another 
victim 1" — A scoundrel's discomfiture. — 
Tableau. 

Act n. The Separation. — The Mait- 
land homestead. — Anastasia's doubts. — 
A warm welcome and its icy reception. 
—Forebodings and doubts. — Father and 
eon. — Searching questions. —A domestic 
storm and a parent's command. — A 
foiled villain's wrath. — Enlisting for the 
war. — The collapse of the cowards. — 
" It 's no u-se, 'Dolphy, the jig 's up !" — 
Hilda's sympathy and Adrienne's silent 
despair. — The result of impulse. — The 
father pleads for his son. — Anastasia 
and Dollerclutch. — Coriolanus comes to 
grief. — Good and bad news. — Husband 
and wife. — Reginald demands an ex- 

?lanation. — A hand without a heart. — 
he separation. — A new recruit. — Too 
late ; the roll is signed. — Tableau. 

Act III. Duty vs. Impulse. — Four 
vears later. — A camp in the army. — 
Longines. — " Only six miles from 
home ! — The skeleton in the closet. — 
A father's yearning for his child. — A 
woman-hater in love. — Dollerclutch's 
dream. — A picture of camp life and fun. 
— Coriolanus has his revenge. — News 
from home. — Dollerclutch makes a big 
find. "Eureka!" — Proofs of Hilda's 
parentage and marriage. — A happy old 



lawyer. — " I '11 take them to Hilda ! " — 
Detailed for duty. — A soldier's tempta- 
tion. — The sentinel deserts his post — 
The snake in the grass. — "At last, I can 
humble his pride ! " 

Act IV. The Reconciliation and 
Sequel. — At Reginald's homt-. — News 
from the army. — " Grant is not the man 
to acknowledge defeat !" — Adrienne and 
Hilda. — False pride is broken. — The re- 
conciliation. — " Will Reginald forgive 
me?" — Dollerclutch brings joy to Hil- 
da's heart. — "You are the daughter of 
Morris Maitland !"— The stolen docu- 
ments and the snake in the grass. — 
"Hang me if I don't see this thing 
through !" — A letter to the absent one.— 
Face to face. — The barrier of pride 
swept down. — "Reginald, I love you; 
come back!" — The happy reunion. —An 
ominous cloud. — "I have deserted my 
post ; the penalty is death. I must re'- 
turn ere my absence is discovered !" — 
The wolf in the sheepfold. — A wily- 
tempter foiled. — A villain's rage. — 
" Those words have sealed your doom !" 
— The murder and the escape. — 
Dollerclutch arrives too late. — The pur.- 
suit. 

Act V. Divine Impulse. — In camp. — 
Maitland on duty. — The charge of de- 
sertion and the examination, — "I knew 
not what I did !" — The colonel's lenity. — 
Disgrace. — News of Adrienne's murder 
is Drought to camp. — Circumstantial 
evidence fastens the murder upon Reg- 
inald.— The court-martial. — Convicted 
and sentenced to be shot. — Preparations 
for the execution. — ' God knows I am 
innocent! " — Dollerclutch arrives in the 
nick of time. — "If you shoot that man 
you commit murder!" — The beginning 
of the end. — "Adrienne lives!" — A vil- 
lain's terror. — Adrienne appears on the 
scene. — " There is the attempted assas- 
sin !" — Divine impulse. — The reward of 
innocence and the punishment of vil« 
lainy. — Good news. — " Hurrah, the wal- 
ls over; Lee has surrendered to Grant!" 
— The happy dgnouement 3ind Jlnale,- • 
Tableau. 



Copies mailed, post-paid, to any address on receipt o/the advertised price. 

HAROIvE) ROORBACH, Publishier, 

9 MYJRRAV ST., I«E:^V YORK. 



NEW ENTERTAINMENTS. 

THE JAPANESE WEDDING. 

A costume pantomime representation of the Wedding Ceremony in Japanese high life. 
The company consists of the bride and groom, their parents, six bridesmaids, and 
the officiating personage appropriately called the " Go-between." There are 
various formalities, including salaams, tea-drinking, eating rice-cakes, and giving 
presents. No words are spoken. The ceremony (which occupies about 50 
minutes), with the " tea-room," fills out an evening well, though music and other 
attractions may be added. Can be represented by young ladies alone, if preferred. 
Price, 25 Cents. 

AN EVENING WITH PICKWICK. 

A Literary and Dramatic Dickens Entertainment. — Introduces the Pickwick Club, 
the Wardles of Dingley Dell, the Fat Boy, Alfred Jingle, Mrs. Leo Hunter, Lord 
Mutanhed and Count Smorltork, Arabella Allen and Bob Allen, Bob Sawj'er, Mrs. 
and Master Bardell, Mrs. Cluppins, Mrs. Weller, Stiggins, Tony Weller, Sam 
Weller, and the Lady Traveller. Price, 25 cents. 

AN EVENING WITH COPPERFIELD. 

A Literary and Dramatic Dickens Entertainment. — Introduces Mrs. Copperfield, 
Davie, the Peggotys, the Murdstones, Mrs. Gummidge, Little Em'ly, Barkis, 
Betsey Trotwood, Mr. Dick and his kite, Steerforth, the Creakles, Traddles, 
Rosa Dartle, Miss Mowcher, Uriah Heep and his Mother, the Micawbers, Dora 
and Gyp, and the wooden-legged Gatekeeper. Price, 25 cents. 
These " Evenings with Dickens " can be represented in whole or in part, require 
1 it little memorizing, do not demand experienced actors, are not troublesome to pre- 
pare, and are suitable for performance either on the platform or in the drawing room. 

THE GYPSIES' FESTIVAL. 

A Musical Entertainment for Young People. Introduces the Gypsy Queen, Fortune 
Teller, Yankee Peddler, and a Chorus of Gypsies, of any desired number. The 
scene is supposed to be a Gypsy Camp. The costumes are very pretty, but 
simple ; the diah gue bright ; the music easy and tuneful ; and the drill movements 
and calisthenics are graceful. Few properties and no set scenery required, so 
that the entertainment can be represented on any platform. Price, 25 cents. 

THE COURT OF KING CHRISTMAS. 

A CHRISTMAS ENTERTAINMENT, The action takes place in Santa Claus 
land on Christmas eve, and represents the bustling preparations of St. Nick and 
his attendant worthies for the gratification of all children the next day. The cast 
may include as many as 36 characters, though fewer will answer, and the enter- 
tainment represented on a platform, without troublesome properties. The cos- 
tumes are simple, the incidental music and drill movements graceful and easily 
managed, the dialogue uncommonly good, and the whole thing quite above the 
average. A representation of this entertainment will cause the young folks, from 
six to sixty, fairly to turn themselves inside out with delight, and, at the same 
time, enforce the important moral of Peace and Good Will. Price, 25 cents. 
RECENTLY PUBLISHED. 

ILLUSTRATED TABLEAUX FOR AMATEURS. A new series of Tableaux 
?''i7'rt«^j, by Martha C. Weld. In this series each description is accompanied 
with a full-page illustration of the scene to be represented. 
PARI- I. -MISCELLANEOUS TABLEAUX.— Contains General Introduction, 

12 Tableaux and 14 Illustrations. Price, 25 Cents. 
PART II. — MISCELLANEOUS TABLEAUX.— Contains Introduction, 12 Ta- 
bleaux and 12 illustrations. Price, 25 Cents. 

SAVED FROM THE WRECK. A drama in three acts. E^ght male, three 
female characters. Time, two hours and a half. Price, 15 Cents. 

BETWEEN TWO FIRES. A comedy-drama in three acts. E.ght male, three 
fTnale chancters. Time, two hours and a half. Price, 15 Cents. 

BY FORCE OF IMPULSE. A drama in five acts. Nine male, three female 
character^. Time, two hours and a half. Price, 15 Cents. 

A LESSON IN ELEGANCE. A comedy in one act. Four female characters. 
Time, thirty minutes. Price, 15 Cents. 

WANTED. A CONFIDENTIAL CLERK. A farce in one act. Six male 
characters. Time, thirty minutes. Price, 15 Cents. 

SECOND SIGHT. A farcical comedy in one act. Four male, one female charac- 
ter. Time, one hour. Price, 15 Cents. 

THE TRIPLE WEDDING. A drama in three acts. Four male, four female 
characters. Time, one hour and a quarter. Price, 15 cents. 
^^^ Any 0/ the above will be sent by utaily postpaid, I/} any address, on receipt 

of the anfiexed prices. „„^^ 

HAROLD ROORBACH, Publisher. 9 Murray St., New York. 



LIBRftRY OF CONGRESS 

HELMER'S 

ACTOR'S MAKE-UP |||||||||||||||||| mi,,,,,,,!,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, 

A Frattical and Systematic Guide to the Art c/ . n 014 549 849 i ^ 

PRICE, 25 CENTS. 




With exhaustive treatment on the Use of Theatrical 
Wigs and Bkards, The Make-up and its requisite materials, the 

different features and their MANAGEMENr, TYPICAL CHARACTER 

Masks, etc. With Special Hints to Ladies. Designed for the 
USE OF Actors and Amateurs, and for both Ladies and Gentle- 
men. Copiously Illustrated. 

CONTENTS. 

L Theatrical Wigs. — The Style and Form of Theatrical Wigs 
and Beards. The Color and Shading of Theatrical Wigs and Beards. 
Directions for Measuring the Head. To put on a Wig properly. 

H. Theatrical Beards. — How to fashion a Beard out of crepe 
hair. How to make Beards of Wool. The growth of Beard simu- 
lated. 

HL The Make-up. — A successful Character Mask, and how to 
make it. Perspiration during performance, how removed, 

IV. The Make-up Box.— Grease Paints. Grease paintL in 
sticks; Flesh Cream; Face Powder; How to use face powder as a 
liquid cream ; The various shades of face powder. Water Cos- 
in6iique. Nose Putty. Court Plaster. Cocoa Butter. Crepe Hair 
and Prepared Wool. Grenadine. Dorin's Rouge. "Old Man's" 
Rouge. "Juvenile" Rouge. Spirit Gum. Email Noir. Bear's 
Grease. Eyebrow Pencils. Artist's Stomps. Powder Puffs. Hares' 
Feet. Camels'-hair Brushes. 

V. The Features and their Treatment. — The Eyes : blind- 
ness. The Eyelids. The Eyebrows : How to paint out an eyebrow or 
moustache ; llow to paste on eyebrows ; How to regulate bushy eye- 
brows. The Eyelashes : To alter the appearance of the eyes. The 
Ears. The Nose : A Roman nose; How to use the nose putty; A 
pug nose ; An African nose; a large nose apparently reduced in size. 
The Mouihand Lips : a juvenile mouth ; an old mouth ; a sensuous 
mouth; a satirical mouth; a one-sided mouth; a merry mouth ; A 
sullen mouth. The Teeth. The Neck, Arms, Hands and Finger- 
nails : Fingernails lengthened. Wrinkles: Friendliness and Sullen- 
ness indicated by wrinkles. Shading. A Starving character. A 
Cut in the Face. A Thin Face Made Fleshy. 

VI. Typical Character Masks, — The Make-up for Youth : 
Dimpled cheeks. Manhood. Middle Age. Making up as a Drunk- 
ard : One method ; another method. Old Age. Negroes. Moors. 
Chinese. King Lear, Shylock, Macbeth. Richelieu. Statuary. 
Clowns. 

VII. Special Hints to Ladies. — The Make-up. Theatrical 
Wiga and Hair Goods. 

Sent by mail, postpaid, to any address, on receipt of the price. 

HAROLD ROORBACH, Publisher, 

^ 9 Murray Street, :New York. 



